It’s a question that makes people uncomfortable — and for good reason, because it sits at the intersection of personal responsibility, compassion, and the sticky territory of victim-blaming. If someone knowingly dates a person with a well-established pattern of cheating, and then that person cheats on them, should they receive sympathy?
The answer, when examined honestly, is both more nuanced and more compassionate than the internet would have you believe.
Let’s Start With What We Actually Know
There is a difference between understanding the choices that led to a situation and deciding whether someone “deserves” to be hurt. These are separate questions — and conflating them leads to some of the cruellest responses people receive when they’re heartbroken.
The fact is: everyone who is cheated on deserves compassion. Full stop. Whether or not they saw signs. Whether or not they ignored red flags. Whether or not they were warned. Pain is pain, and we don’t earn suffering through our choices in ways that make it undeserving of empathy.
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Why Do We Date People We Know Are Players?
This is actually the more interesting question — and the one worth sitting with honestly. Research from attachment theory, particularly the work of Dr. Amir Levine and Rachel Heller in their book Attached, shows that people with anxious attachment styles are specifically attracted to the push-pull dynamic that “players” often create.
The inconsistency of someone who’s sometimes warm and sometimes unavailable creates an anxiety loop that can feel indistinguishable from intense romantic feeling. The brain releases more dopamine in response to unpredictable rewards than consistent ones — which is partly why the most emotionally unavailable people can feel like the most exciting partners.
Understanding these patterns is part of deeper self-work. Self-sabotage in relationships often looks exactly like this: unconsciously choosing partners who confirm our deepest fears about love and our own worth.
The Red Flags People Often Ignore — And Why
Knowing someone is a “player” doesn’t necessarily mean they come with a clear warning label. Players are often charming, attentive (at least initially), and skilled at making you feel uniquely special. The red flags are often subtle or appear later, by which point emotional investment has already occurred.
Common signs that tend to be rationalised away include: an inconsistent texting pattern, a reluctance to define the relationship, friends who give knowing looks, an ex who tried to warn you, and explanations that always make sense individually but form a troubling pattern overall.
If you’ve been in a relationship that felt unhealthy, understanding the signs of a toxic relationship can help you recognise patterns you may have missed in the moment.
What You Actually Deserve — Regardless of Your Choices
Here’s what the research and most thoughtful relationship therapists would agree on:
- You deserve to have your pain acknowledged. Being cheated on hurts, regardless of what came before. Your grief is real.
- You deserve compassion, not mockery. “I told you so” from friends is not helpful. Neither is social media pile-ons about your naivety.
- You deserve to understand your patterns. Compassionate self-reflection — not blame — is what helps people make different choices next time.
- You deserve to know your worth. People who feel deeply secure in their own value are less likely to stay in situations that compromise it. Understanding your self-worth is protective work.
The Hard Truth About Personal Responsibility
Personal responsibility in relationships doesn’t mean you caused someone to cheat. Cheating is always a choice made by the person who cheated — they are responsible for that action, full stop.
Personal responsibility does mean asking: what patterns brought me here? What do I want to do differently? These questions aren’t about blame — they’re about growth. Building your confidence and self-trust is the most practical work you can do to make different relationship choices in the future.
And if you’re in the aftermath right now — heartbroken, perhaps embarrassed, definitely hurting — rebuilding from hard places is possible. It always is.
Frequently Asked Questions
Is it victim-blaming to suggest someone should have known better?
When it’s framed as “you deserve what you got,” yes — that is victim-blaming and it’s harmful. When it’s framed as compassionate, forward-looking reflection — “understanding what drew you to this person could help you make different choices” — it can be genuinely supportive. The distinction is in the intent: accountability versus blame.
Can “players” change?
Yes — but only if they genuinely want to, and only with significant self-work, often including therapy. Behavioural patterns like serial infidelity are typically rooted in deep psychological dynamics, including avoidant attachment, fear of intimacy, or narcissistic traits. Change is possible but it cannot be willed by a partner; it must come from within.
How do I trust again after being cheated on?
Rebuilding trust after infidelity — particularly if it wasn’t your first experience of it — takes time, compassionate self-work, and often professional support. The goal isn’t to trust blindly again, but to develop discernment: an ability to read people and situations with both an open heart and clear eyes. Therapy, particularly attachment-focused approaches, can be enormously helpful.
Moving Forward: What Healthy Love Actually Requires
After the pain of being cheated on — whether you saw it coming or not — the question that matters is: what do I want to do differently? Not as self-punishment, but as genuine forward motion.
Healthy love requires what relationship researcher Dr. John Gottman calls “positive sentiment override” — a general reservoir of goodwill and trust that allows couples to weather conflict without catastrophising. Building this reservoir requires choosing partners who are fundamentally trustworthy, which in turn requires being attuned enough to your own patterns to know what you tend to overlook.
It also requires being honest about your own attachment style. People with anxious attachment are drawn to certain dynamics that feel exciting but aren’t ultimately nourishing. Learning to tolerate — even actively seek — secure, consistent love is work that often requires professional support but is entirely possible.
What you deserve is love that doesn’t make you feel like you have to earn it. Love that doesn’t require you to manage someone else’s inconsistency. Understanding what that looks like in practice — not just in theory — is the foundation of making choices that actually honour your own worth. And building the confidence to expect that is the single most powerful thing you can do for your love life.
Further Reading & Sources
Rubie Le’Faine is the founder of Rubie Rubie and a writer specialising in emotional well-being, self-identity, and the psychology of modern relationships. She holds a Level 3 Certificate in Counselling Skills and has spent over eight years studying attachment theory, cognitive behavioural principles, and human development — first through formal study, then through lived experience that no course can replicate. After navigating a significant relationship breakdown, an identity rebuild, and the complex terrain of rediscovering herself in her 30s, Rubie began writing to make sense of what she had learned and to offer honest, human guidance to others going through the same. She founded Rubie Rubie in 2022 as a space for women seeking real answers, not platitudes. Based in Surrey, UK, her writing is grounded in research, shaped by experience, and centred entirely on the reader’s genuine wellbeing.
