Why Soft Parenting May Not Be Building Resilience in Children: Insights from a Psychologist

Soft parenting, often synonymous with gentle or permissive parenting, has gained popularity in recent years. It emphasizes empathy, positive reinforcement, and avoiding punitive discipline. While it aims to foster emotional well-being and strong parent-child connections, some psychologists argue that this approach, when not balanced, may inadvertently hinder the development of resilience in children.

The Resilience Gap

Resilience is the ability to adapt to adversity, cope with stress, and recover from challenges. According to Dr. Jane Harper, a child psychologist and author of Raising Resilient Kids (2021), “Children develop resilience not by avoiding challenges but by facing them, often with guidance rather than overprotection.” Soft parenting, when overly lenient, may shield children from the discomfort of failure, rejection, or frustration, depriving them of opportunities to build coping mechanisms.

The Misconception About Comfort

Soft parenting often prioritizes keeping children comfortable, avoiding conflicts, and ensuring their emotional safety. While these intentions are noble, Dr. Harper highlights a common misconception: “Children don’t grow by always feeling comfortable. Growth often stems from learning to manage discomfort, whether it’s the disappointment of not getting their way or the stress of preparing for an exam.”

In her 2019 study published in The Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry, Dr. Linda Faber found that children raised with minimal exposure to stressors exhibited lower levels of emotional regulation and problem-solving skills as adolescents. This suggests that consistent avoidance of discomfort may undermine a child’s ability to navigate challenges independently.

Lack of Boundaries and Consequences

A hallmark of soft parenting is the reluctance to enforce strict boundaries or consequences. Psychologists argue that this may create an environment where children struggle to develop self-discipline and accountability. “Resilience often stems from understanding cause and effect,” says Dr. Harper. “If children never experience the natural consequences of their actions, they miss out on essential lessons about perseverance and problem-solving.”

Building Resilience Through Balance

Dr. Harper and other experts advocate for a balanced approach that combines emotional support with firm boundaries. Here’s how parents can foster resilience without abandoning the core values of empathy and connection:

1. Encourage Problem-Solving

   Instead of solving problems for children, guide them in brainstorming solutions. This empowers them to tackle challenges independently and builds confidence in their abilities.

   
   

2. Normalize Discomfort

   Teach children that feelings like frustration, sadness, and disappointment are normal and temporary. Acknowledge their emotions but encourage them to face difficult situations rather than avoiding them.

   
   

3. Set Clear Boundaries

   Healthy boundaries create a sense of security and teach children to respect rules and expectations. Enforcing consequences, when necessary, reinforces accountability and resilience.

   
   

4. Model Resilience

   Show your children how you handle setbacks and challenges in your own life. They learn resilience by observing how you adapt and recover from difficulties.

The Bottom Line

Soft parenting has its merits, particularly in nurturing emotional intelligence and strong parent-child bonds. However, resilience requires exposure to adversity and opportunities to learn from it. By balancing softness with structure, parents can raise children who are both emotionally attuned and capable of weathering life’s inevitable storms. For more insights, refer to Dr. Jane Harper’s book Raising Resilient Kids (2021) and Dr. Linda Faber’s research in The Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry (2019).

What are your thoughts on soft parenting and resilience? Share your experiences in the comments below!

From Jack